Boy Talk With Eliwood and Hector
by HellfireSupremacy
Summary: In public Eliwood is always polite and softspoken. So what's he like when he's just chilling with his best friend? The answer may surprise you. Rated for raunchy sex talk, adult language, drug use, and a proposterously OOC Eliwood. Absolutely NO YAOI.
1. Chapter 1

**HellfireSupremacy: Something new for fans of Matthew's antics in my last humor fic. Enjoy!**

**Hector: I love it.**

**Eliwood: Eat shit and die Hellfire! I'm completely OOC, and you made me look like a total ass!**

**HellFireSupremacy: Quit your bitching and read the disclaimer. **

**Eliwood: Fine. HellfireSupremacy does not own Fire Emblem. If he did, I would follow the ancestral teachings of my true creators and commit Seppuku.**

**Hector: It wouldn't be that bad. If you owned Fire Emblem I could get a BJ from Lyn any time I want, right?**

**HellfireSupremacy: For you Hector, yes. You're just cool like that.**

**Eliwood: What about me? What do I get?**

**HellfireSupremacy: You don't get shit. You can go watch interspecies erotica and jack-off, because you suck and you bone ice dragons and no one likes you.**

**Eliwood: Aw man. You guys suck.**

**Boy Talk With Eliwood and Hector **

"Lord Eliwood! How are you fairing on this fine day."

"Fine Marcus," said the Pheraen lord. It was a halfhearted response. He really didn't feel like being bothered by his retainer. Still, he tried his best to be polite. He always tried his best to be polite.

"I trust you're getting used to the rigors of the battlefield milord. Don't forget, the knights of Pherae are here to serve. You need not overexert yourself; if there is a task you would have us perform simply give the order. I await your command."

"Yeah, I'll get back to you on that," Eliwood yawned. "I'm just heading over to Hector's place for a bit. I'll let you know if I need anything."

"Milord, are you sure there is nothing you need at the moment. A personal escort to your destination? A fresh coat of polish for your rapier?"

"Thank you for your concern Marcus, but I assure you I'm fine. Carry on with your normal duties. Oh, and never ask if you can "polish my rapier" again. Only Isadora is allowed to do that."

"Yes milord!" replied the orange paladin. Marcus rode off and spent the rest of the day performing his "normal duties." In other words, he spent the rest of the day abusing Lowen.

Eliwood walked over to Hector's tent. The fact that Hector had his own private tent proved that he was a Lycian noble, even if the man himself currently looked like a common peasant. In between battles, Hector ditched his ornate armor and preferred to lounge around in shorts and a wife-beater. Not exactly garb befitting of his rank, but Hector was never one to be picky about appearances. He went with whatever worked.

Eliwood entered the roomy tent. Hector knew his friend too well and sensed that he was upset. "Rough day?" he asked.

"Nah, Marcus is just pissing me off. He follows me everywhere I go. And he's always so uptight, like he's got a stick up his ass or something. Just once I'd like to tell him off."

"Do it then," said Hector. "It's easy. Whenever Oswin tries to follow me around, I tell him to go fuck himself. Then I walk away."

"Come on Hector, you know I can't do that," said Eliwood. "I'm the heir to House Pherae. I have to act all nice and polite and shit."

"See, that's what I don't get about you Eliwood. With me, you're a total badass, but everyone else has to think you're all sweet and perfect. What's up with that?"

Eliwood shrugged. "I don't know man, it's just something I gotta do."

"You know what your problem is?" said Hector. "You care too much about what other people think. I don't play that game. With me what you see is what you get. I smoke, I drink, I swear, I belch, I scratch my balls, and I don't care who knows it. You do the same crazy shit, but you think you have to hide it from everybody. Heaven forbid the peasants find out that nobles enjoy a good beer and an Ilian backrub."

"Acting innocent and pure isn't all bad," Eliwood grinned. "It keeps the ladies interested. You know that pegasus knight who joined our group back on Valor. Florina's older, hotter sister?"

"Fiora? What about her?"

"Well," said Eliwood. She flew over to me the other day, and we started talking about social justice, and how everyone should be treated the same regardless of nationality, gender, or financial status."

"Hah, that's a good one!" Hector laughed. "You actually believe any of that shit?"

"Hell no, but it got me to second base!" Eliwood cheered.

"Nice." Hector High-fived his buddy. "Of course, I could have done better. I have a much more practical way of impressing the ladies."

"Oh really," taunted Eliwood. "And what would that be?"

"I'm massively well-endowed," said Hector

"…come again?"

"You heard me. I have an enormous dinger. Thirty strength, fifteen constitution, and half of it is in my pants. The ladies love it."

"Yeah, somehow I just don't see something like that impressing Fiora," said Eliwood.

"That's funny, cause both her sisters loved it!"

"…bullshit."

"That's right," said Hector "I scored with both of them, Florina and Farina. And Lyn."

"Hah, like THAT'S hard," Eliwood scoffed. "Lyn's a bisexual slut who sleeps around with every man, woman, and he-she in the camp. In the past week she's been with you, Kent, Sain, Rath, Wil, Florina, and me."

"No fucking way," said Hector. "You hooked up with Lyn too?"

"Hector you idiot, you were there! It was a threesome, remember?"

"…Oh yeah. Damn, we were wasted that night."

"Good times," Eliwood chuckled. "Speaking of which, I need you to fill in for me at Mark's retarded intelligence briefing tonight. I'm doing something special with Ninian tonight."

"She finally gonna let you do her from behind?"

"Even better," said Eliwood. "I'm taking her skinny dipping down by the river. We're going to dry each other off with our tongues, then she's going to teach me how to do it dragon-style."

"…What the fuck is dragon-style?"

"No idea," said Eliwood. "But it sounds fucking awesome."

"Alright man, you got it," said Hector. "I'll tell Mark you couldn't make it to his meeting, but you better give me details! If this dragon-style shit is any good, I wanna try it with Lyn."

"You and me both brother. You and me both."

**Originally this was supposed to be part of chapter 3 in "Matthew Corrupts your Favorite Activities." I planned on having Matthew walk in on Eliwood and Hector during one of these conversations and doing his routine. Once I actually started writing, I realized just how far I could go with this and had to give it its own FanFic. R&R, tell me what you think. **


	2. Chapter 2

**HellfireSupremacy: This chapter doesn't contain a lemon per say, but some parts will be extremely graphic. There, you've been warned. **

**Ninian: This is gross and highly inappropriate. Take this shit down, right now.**

**HellfireSupremacy: What are you going to do, faint again?**

**Ninian: (icy glare) I did not faint. **

**HellfireSupremacy: Ninian, you set the world record for most consecutive times fainted in under an hour. Now read the disclaimer you stupid bitch or I'll…**

**Ninian: (Blasts HellfireSupremacy with the Dragonslaying Uber-Fimbulvetr of Death and Almighty Pwnage) HellfireSupremacy does not own Fire Emblem.**

**HellfireSupremacy: (twitches) HellfireSupremacy is in extreme pain.**

**Ninian: Good.**

**Boy Talk with Eliwood and Hector: **

**(Part 2)**

Eliwood never stopped by Hector's tent to deliver the promised details. In fact, he didn't leave his tent at all the morning after his little tryst with Ninian. Hector knew what that meant: something had gone horribly wrong down by the river. Normally, Eliwood would have been up at the crack of dawn bragging about his exploits. When he wasn't, that meant he was in a shit mood. Hector took it upon himself to march over to his friend's tent and see what was wrong.

Hector walked over to Eliwood's tent and observed that smoke was coming out of the chimney (yes, Eliwood's lordly tent has a chimney. Don't dwell on it, just accept it as fact and move on). Good, that meant the Lord was already awake. Hector walked in and found Eliwood standing in front of a large fire, completely naked from the waist down and clearly pissed off.

"Is there a reason you're in my tent," grumbled Eliwood.

"Just checking in to make sure you're alright. Is there a reason you're standing in front of a fire touching yourself?"

"I'm trying to thaw my nuts out. Ninian was cold."

"You mean she's taciturn, emotionless, and unfriendly?" asked a confused Hector.

No, I mean she's fucking freezing. You know how it's supposed to be all warm and moist when you stick it in? She's like the exact opposite of that. Seriously, it felt like I was fucking an ice dragon. If this keeps happening I think I'm going to have to break up with her."

"Wait a minute, this has happened before?"

"Yeah," muttered Eliwood. "It's happened before, twice actually. The first time I fucked Ninian, I nearly got my balls impaled on an icicle when she climaxed. And then there was the time she tried to give me head..." Eliwood shuddered, clearly distraught by the memory. "Remember when you asked if she spits or swallows?"

Hector nodded. "Yeah, I remember. You said she swallowed."

Eliwood sighed. "That was a lie. What actually happened was everything froze the second it touched her tongue. My man parts were glued to her mouth for about two hours."

"That doesn't sound too bad," said Hector. "You got to keep your dinger in a hot chick for two hours and she couldn't say no."

"Are you fucking retarded Hector? Think about this: man parts, glued to mouth, two hours, fucking freezing. I had frostbite on my balls for weeks. And I tore my foreskin trying to pull free. Do you have any fucking idea how much that stings?"

"Okay, that sounds bad," admitted Hector.

"Oh wait, it gets better," said Eliwood in a tone dripping with sarcasm. "Before we managed to pull ourselves apart, Nils caught us. And believe me, he was pissed. The little bastard worked me over pretty good. I left Ninian's tent with frozen balls, a torn foreskin, and a flute shoved halfway up my ass. Nothing should ever go up a man's ass, ever."

Hector grimaced.

"Yeah, now you get it. Anyways, I had some tough explaining to do in the medical tent. I told Priscilla some asshole mage pegged me in the groin with a fimbulvetr spell. So she gets some of her healing ointments and starts rubbing it on my shaft. Then, because apparently God hates me, Raven walks into the tent. Well, you can just imagine how well _that_ little incident went over"

Despite himself, Hector chuckled. "He beat you to a bloody pulp didn't he?"

"Put it this way. Remember that flute that Nils shoved halfway up my ass? Raven shoved it all the way up my ass. I repeat, nothing should ever go up a man's ass, ever."

Hector shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah I don't feel like talking about this anymore. So…uh…how about…um…" Hector looked around the room, desperately trying to find something that would distract Eliwood long enough to turn the conversation away from anal encounters. "So Eliwood, is your package always this tiny, or is that just a side effect from the cold?"

"I don't know Hector, why don't you stick that enormous cock of yours in an ice hole and report back to me on that one."

"Yeah, that was a stupid question. Um…are you seriously going to break up with Ninian? I thought you were getting serious with her and finally starting to settle down."

"Well bloody hell Hector, I love Ninian, but I can't be with a girl who's going to frost-rape me every time we're about to get it on. What would you do in a situation like that?"

"Me?" Hector thought about it. "I'd probably dump her and go find some good pussy. I'm next in line for the throne of Ostia, so I can have pretty much any chick I want. I don't need to settle for an icicle shooting freak-job."

"Well then, there you go," said Eliwood. "That's pretty much what I've been thinking."

"And what about your reputation Lord Eliwood, heir to House Pherae," Hector said with mock respect. "How do you plan on openly dumping Ninian without sacrificing your ever so valuable persona of purity and innocence?"

"Fuck it," said Eliwood, cupping his frozen parts. "Fuck Ninian. Fuck my reputation. Fuck my public persona. I want my balls back. Everything else can go to hell."


	3. Chapter 3

**HellfireSupremacy: Ah yes, the end of my first semester of college, freshman year. Holy shit, that went by fast. **

**Lyn: What's a college?**

**Eliwood: It's a place where smart people go to participate in advanced studies of art, literature, philosophy, political culture, math, science and whatever other subjects peak their intellectual interests.**

**Hector: It's a place where stupid people go to binge drink and die from alcohol poisoning. **

**HellfireSupremacy: Correct and Correct. **

**Lyn: I see. So…which crowd did you fall in with?**

**HellfireSupremacy: I've been mixing it up with all types. Two of my roommates are football players, one is a wrestler, one is an engineer, and one is going into healthcare. We got a pretty good blend going between the six of us. **

**Hector: Hey man, keep the personal stuff to your profile. This story is supposed to be about us, remember. Now let's get this freak show back on the road. **

**HellfireSupremacy: Of course. We resume from Eliwood's declaration of wanting his balls back. **

**Eliwood: …you sick bastard…**

**HellfireSupremacy: And on that note we begin Chapter 3. **

**Lyn: What, no disclaimer?**

**HellfireSupremacy: Fuck the disclaimer. Anyone who doesn't know I don't own Fire Emblem at this point is a retarded cunt-flap and should be shot repeatedly in the face. Or at the very least punched in the throat. **

Boy Talk with Eliwood and Hector: 

(Part 3)

"What is this? What the fuck is this!?"

Without warning Mark burst into Eliwood's tent. Hector had been loitering about outside in his bathrobe taking his morning smoke when the pissed off tactician blew through. Eliwood was inside getting dressed, having finally succeeded in thawing his balls out of deep frost.

"We're assaulting the Shrine of Seals in 15 minutes and you imbeciles are supposed to be leading the charge! Why aren't you in armor? OH MY GOD, you're not even dressed yet? Are you kidding me!? Move it people, MOVE IT!"

"What am I, a fucking mind reader?" Hector scoffed. "How was I supposed to know we were assaulting the shrine of seals?"

"The intelligence briefing you dolt! I spent an entire night going over our plan of attack. You were there!"

"We actually do shit at those briefings? I usually just fall asleep and jerk off under the table."

"YES!" Mark looked and sounded as though he was about to burst an aneurism. "Those briefings are to let YOU know what I plan on doing with YOUR army, funded with YOUR treasure, so that you can complete YOUR quest! You should be paying attention to everything I say. But dear god Hector, how could you not even know we were assaulting the Shrine of Seals. That wasn't some obscure side note. That was the entire god damn…wait a minute…"

Mark's expression shifted from ZOMG I'm about to burst a fucking aneurism here to ZOMG that is some NASTY shit.

"You weren't really jerking it in my command tent. Were you?"

"That was a joke you twat. Sarcasm" Hector had no patience for these lectures. "Seriously, I was wasted last night. Really wasted. Like, sixteen shots and three bong hits wasted. I probably blacked out at the beginning of the briefing. It won't happen again."

"Right," Mark's eyes narrowed into an angry glare. It won't happen again because if it does you'll be performing the most undesirable duty this entire army has to offer for a month, one that will rape your sanity and have you begging for death."

"No!" Hector bellowed. "Don't put me back on latrine duty! I'll be good, I promise! No more dozing off at meetings, no more showing up drunk for battles and brawling with Raven in the mess hall. Hector dropped to his knees and started begging "I can change man, I'll be good! Just please don't make me scrub shit again!"

"Latrine duty," Mark laughed. "You think that's the worst I got? Oh no Hector, there's worse jobs in this camp. Much worse. Show up intoxicated at another mission or mission briefing and you'll be replacing Erk as Serra's full-time bodyguard and all purpose bitch. Now get moving, I expect you to be in full armor and ready to move out with the rest of our strike force or you WILL be doing latrine duty tonight. Do we have an understanding Hector of Ostia."

Hector paled visibly and stammered a panicked "Yes sir," then bolted off to his tent to armor up.

"As for you…" Mark turned to Eliwood, who hadn't said a word the entire time Mark was chewing out Hector. Mark's expression and tone softened somewhat. "You weren't even at my briefing. You should have been, but you weren't and you were counting on Hector to fill you in. Which he didn't, because he's a fucking moron."

"He was just a little drunk sir."

"Drunk. Stupid. With Hector there's very little difference. In any event I don't suppose their's anyway I can blame you for your drunk friends douche-baggery. Take the day off, I'll get Kent to take your place on the forward charge.

"Are you sure that's alright. Kent won't mind?"

"Pffft, are you kidding. This is what he lives for, duty and honor and all that jazz. I'll give him the command to move out, you just hang around camp and relax. You've earned a break."

"Uhh…sure. If you say so." Eliwood went back to getting dressed. Damn it, where the fuck was his cape? He didn't leave it down by the river, did he? "Hey Mark, you weren't really serious about putting Hector on latrine duty tonight. Were you?"

"No," Mark admitted. "Although it would amuse me greatly, I find it much more productive to give that particular job to Sain.

Eliwood gave the tactician the kind of blank stare where your mouth doesn't move, but your eyes scream WTF!? And the other person knows you have no idea what in five fucks they're talking about.

"Keeps his sex drive in check," Mark explained, seeing that Eliwood hadn't made the connection between Sain scrubbing shit and productive outcomes. He has to handle the rancid feces of every women in this army. Which makes it much more difficult for him to fantasize about taking them from behind.

"That actually works? You make him clean up our steamers and he doesn't want to have sex anymore?"

Oh yeah, works like a charm. Like remember the other day, when Rebecca undercooked her meat and shared it with Nino. And they both wound up with that god awful, stomach churning, explosive diarrhea. Sain hasn't bothered either of them since they commenced bombing."

"Whatever works I suppose. We should be thankful Sain isn't into any of those crazy fetishes, otherwise we'd have a real mess on our hands.

"…fetishes?"

"You know. Sex fetishes. I hear some fo them involve feces, it's a pretty big turn on for some people. And Apparently…not that I would know anything about these matters or have ever preformed such an act with anyone in this army…there's this thing called ass-to-mouth where…"

"Oh, I know all about the ass-to-mouth," Mark's eyes widened and he started drooling. "Lyn, you dirty girl you...ooohhh you like that don't you bitch!"

"Uh, Mark? You okay there buddy?"

"Huh? Oh, right. Sorry about that. Got a little carried away there for a sec. But damn she's good, isn't she?"

"Fucks like a hot piece of ass, fights like a man. Best of both worlds."

Mark and Eliwood laughed it up like dudes, then paused to consider.

"Shit, we should probably start stockpiling penicillin."

* * *

**And now a word from the author. I would like to take a moment to talk about another Fic I've been working on, a serious adventure/fantasy crossover "Planar Chaos on Elibe." I consider that to by my main body of work and find it somewhat…distressing…that my lesser, crudely written humor fics seem to be garnering more attention on the hit counter. On behalf of myself, I urge anyone who is enjoying this fic and has not yet done so to check out Planar Chaos and read at least a few chapters into it. It's…different…but I would like to think that it can still appeal to a wide audience of Fire Emblem aficionados.**


	4. Chapter 4

**HellfireSupremacy: I listen to the feedback of my readers. So by popular demand, this Fic ****will now be featuring OVER NINE THOUSAAANNNDDD!!!!! percent more Matthew antics.**

**Matthew: W00t w00t, I'm back bitches.**

**Lyn: Oh dear God no…lord have mercy**

**Eliwood: Quick, hide the children! **

**Hector: (grabs bucket of popcorn and sits back) **

**HellfireSupremacy: Still don't own Fire Emblem. If I did it wouldn't be rated (E)**

**Matthew: (whispers) This Hellfire dude should totally own Fire Emblem.**

**Eliwood: Is he even allowed to say that?**

**Hector: Who the fuck cares, its Matthew. On with the show! **

**Boy Talk with Eliwood and Hector:**

**(Part 4)**

Hector and everyone else worth hanging out with were off fighting the Black Fang. Everyone that is accept Matthew. Matthew: a thief by trade and Ostian spy by profession, a rogue agent with a well earned reputation as a practical joker. At best he was a loveable little scamp. At worst he was a complete douche bag. But he was never boring.

He also had access to every illicit substance known to man. That was also a definite plus in his favor.

"Matthew, I've got an entire day to kill and I'm bored as hell." said Eliwood. "What'cha got and how much is it gonna cost me?"

"Depends," quipped the cheery thief. "How much ya looking to spend?"

"I don't know man, Hector usually does the buying. What's the going rate for a good time? Ten gold? Twenty gold?"

"Twenty gold will get you a bottle of cheap liquor. You don't want that man," Matthew grinned. "You want the good stuff."

"How much?" Eliwood repeated. "And don't just throw out some bullshit number, I'll get the going rate from Hector. You screw me over and he'll beat your ass."

"No bullshit man, you know I run an honest business (that claim alone is in fact the biggest load of bullshit you will ever here from Matthew in your entire life). Matthew swung an arm around Eliwood's shoulder and started flapping his mouth off like a used cars salesman.

"Tell ya what I'm gonna do," the thief made his sales pitch. "For a very reasonable price your friend Matthew's gonna give you the works. Best booze, best weed, best everything.

"How much?" Eliwood asked

"I'm gonna get you so fucked up you'll be farting smoke rings. You're gonna break wind and the entire camps gonna get the munchies, that's whats gonna happen. True story." Matthew rambled on.

"How much?" Eliwood asked. Again.

"Now I'm sure you're wondering…" Matthew went on with a dramatic flourish "…what _miraculous_ leaf can _possibly_ get you so blitzed that the next day, you can_ actually_ blow it out your ass and share the joy with those around you? Well my good man, I just so happen to have on my humble personage, the finest weed in all the land. Imported all the way from Nabata, the stickiest of the icky..."

"Damn it Matthew, stop screwing around!" Eliwood shook away the thief's arm. "Out with it already. How much for the booze and the weed?"

"300 gold for an afternoon of high times, what say you?"

"I say go fuck yourself." Eliwood spat. "If I wanted to get hosed I'd be asking Lyn for an enema."

"Lovely imagery my lord. But in all seriousness, 300 gold is a very generous offer for weed off this quality. If anyone's taking a hosing in the ass it would be me."

"Matthew, I've been to bars with Hector where it hasn't even topped 200 a night for the both of us. And that's with the cheap hookers. I know a scam when I see one. There's not a leaf in the world that's worth 300 gold a hit."

"But…."

"And what the fuck is this!? Nabatan imports my ass you probably grew this crap yourself back in Ostia. God knows how long it's been sitting in your tent."

"No scam my lord." Matthew passed his goods to Eliwood for closer inspection.

Hanging out with Hector has given Eliwood a great deal of expertise in this matter.

"This is the best of the best." The thief crowed. "Arcadian Koosh, the stuff of legends. This shit will fuck up a dragon, no lie. You take 181 metric tons of giant lizard and you light up a full bag of this Koosh. It'll be blitzed out of its mind in minutes. I swiped it from Athos."

"The Arch Sage?"

"Aye, the one and only. So, what say you now my lord? Show a rogue a little appreciation for his troubles, eh? Split it 50-50, I'll cover half the price. We'll get bombed, we'll get blitzed, and we'll call it an afternoon."

"…I don't know. Seems...kinda dangerous actually. I mean come on Matthew; you stole it from the fucking Arch Sage? He's gonna know man, he knows everything. And is this stuff even safe for humans? Don't dragons breathe different air or something?"

"Awwwwww, come on Eliwood. Don't pussy out on me! It's just one bag. What would Hector say if he heard you being such a whiny little bitch?"

"What would Hector say?" Eliwood didn't need to give this one any thought, he knew exactly what Hector would say. "He'd tell me to be a dude, not a dick. He'd smack me up side the head for being a pansy. Then he'd probably try to smoke the entire bag by himself."

"Yep that sounds about right," Matthew held out his hand expectantly and greased his palm. "So which is it, are you a dude or are you a dick?"

Again, Eliwood didn't have to think to hard on this one. "Fuck it, I'm in. And I call first hit." Eliwood produced a huge sack of gold and dropped it in Matthew's hand. "Let's get bombed!"

**40 minutes later…**

Eliwood, Matthew, Dart, Wil, and Geitz are sitting in a hippy-circle in Eliwood's tent. Everyone is completely shit-faced. Some more then others. Dart has built up a tolerance to all manner of substances getting wasted on the high seas and is the least intoxicated of the bunch. Wil on the other hand is clearly a first timer, and its showing.

Geitz for the first time in his life is not dying of boredom.

"No, no that's all wrong!" Dart bellows as Wil attempts to suck in a bong hit and fails miserably. Eliwood and Matthew are cracking up. Geitz is completely out of it. "Don't just swirl it around in your mouth! deep breaths land lubber! Get it in your lungs! If you're not coughing you're not doing it right!

Dart lights the bong, Wil follows his instructions. The archer takes a deep breath and coughs violently.

"Damn it bow-plucker, cough AWAY from the bong. No one wants to be sucking up your spittle lad."

"Yeah no one accept Rebecca," Matthew says with a series of obscene gestures.

"Little whore loves sucking down Wil's spittle." Eliwood jeers. "I hear she likes sucking down other fluids too."

Matthew and Eliwood do a righteous dude high-5 and fall backwards laughing hysterically.

"Oye, that's my sister your talking about!" Dart hoists Matthew and Eliwood by their collars and slams their heads together.

"Wow, Dart dude, totally not cool." Geitz rolls a joint and passes it to his pirate buddy. "Mellow out man. Here, take another smoke."

Dart takes another hit of Arcadian Koosh and calms down. Just a tad.

"Seriously dude," says a Wil who is no longer entirely in his right mind. "Your sister's a slut."

Wil would later tell Priscilla that he had been sitting under a tree looking up when an apple fell on his face, and that's how he got his black eye. Several more imaginative injuries to the genital region were harder to explain away.

* * *

More Matthew Douche-baggery ahead in future chapters.

A reminder to check out Planar Chaos on Elibe. I m not above pimping my favorite FanFic in a more popular one. Free advertising FTW.


	5. Chapter 5

**So while Eliwood and Matthew are smoking the reefer and making merry, Mark and his dumb fuck of an army are attempting to assault the Shrine of Seals. This is what transpired in that grand cluster fuck of a battle…**

**(cough) I don't own Fire Emblem (cough)**

**Boy Talk With Eliwood and Hector**

**(Part 5)**

"All right, here's what we're going to do!" Mark announced "Erk, you're going to agro Lloyd with a line of sight pull and tank him at a distance. Take the hits from light brand's ranged attack and don't let him get close enough to cut you."

"What is this 'agro' you speak of?" asks a confused Erk.

"Don't worry about it, you're a mage. It's not gonna be a problem. Oswin! You're on add duty. Hold agro on the snipers, Erk can't take physical hits."

"Add duty? Sir Mark, this is no time for math lessons!"

"Rath, I'm gonna need you to pop a misdirect to Erk before you open fire on Lloyd. Rebecca, I want you to put your misdirect on Oswin and multi-shot the adds, then unload full DPS on the boss."

"…"

"I…didn't understand any of that."

"That's because you're a ditz. If you spent more time listening to me and less time sucking off Wil you'd know your role."

"I am SO putting rat poison in your next meal."

"Lyn, Guy, Raven, Legault, Jaffar, Karel: I want all melee DPS on Lloyd. Watch your threat and wait for Erk to build agro before you actually start attacking. Pent, Canas, Nino: your DPS goes on adds. You may want to use your AoE if Oswin can get all three of them bunched up. Targets will be marked. The kill order is red X, blue square, orange nipple thingy. This will be a long fight so we'll need three solid healers to keep everyone healthy: Priscilla and Serra on tanks, Lucius on DPS."

"Mark, I think I speak for everyone here when I say I have absolutely no idea what the fuck you're babbling about," Raven scowled

"No…I'm pretty sure you're just a retarded emo fuck-nut. My strategy is brilliant!

"Your strategy is diarrhea coming out my dick!" Vaida shouted (Yes. Vaida has a dick. And its bigger then Hector's. Don't question it.) "WAY too much planning, let's just charge in there and smash shit."

"Worst. Plan. Ever. That's the kind of gung-ho ape shit I'd expect to here from Hector. Wait a minute…"

Mark did a quick head count. The dumb bastard was missing. "Hector? HECTOR? God damn it, has anyone here seen Hector?"

"**ALRIGHT CHUMS, LETS DO THIS! LEEERRROOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYY JJJJJJJEEEENNNNNKKKKKIIIIIIINNNNNSSS!!"**

"Oh my god…he just ran in…"

"Hector, you dumb fuck..."

"I hate this shit!"

Shortly thereafter Lloyd came charging down from the Shrine of Seals, followed by a bunch of snipers of extraordinary skill and…

"Holy shit…"

"We are so fucked…"

"Wow, this is going to suck dick through a straw…"

And with that, every faceless NPC enemy in the fire emblem universe comes poring out of the shrine of seals. There's FE7 morphs. There's FE8 demon minions. There's FE9 ferals. They even got enemies from FE 11 that haven't even been invented yet coming out that damn shrine. Oh, and then of course there's Gheb strutting around with his legendary boner like he owns the place. Cause you can't have a Fire Emblem cluster fuck without Gheb.

And that's exactly what this is. It's a total cluster fuck; lobbed of heads and geysers of blood as far as the eye can see. Real nasty, and come on man, kids can't handle that shit. Nino's doubled over, blowing chunks all over the place. That really pisses Jaffar off, and he just goes off-the-wall ape shit cutting up everyone in sight like he's Jack the fucking Ripper. Karel's running around with an erection almost as big as Gheb's screaming "I HAVE A BONER FOR MURDER!" because he's a fucking psychopath. Pent's shooting off HADOUKENS! left-and-right because Pent is the fucking man and all you dumb fucks who can't run through a campaign without godly pre-promotes would be lost without him (you know who you are, bitches). Lyn just starts going down on everybody because she's a fucking skank. Gheb's firing Spartan lasers out of his dick and blowing rockets out his ass, like he's pwning nubs on slayer pro. And the actual boss of the level Lloyd is all like WTF, he has no idea whats going on so he just stabs himself in the chest and goes out seppuku style.

And Hector's just standing around looking stupid. He has no idea what the fuck is happening, he just knows he dicked up big time because everyone's screaming at him.

"Hector, you miserable piss-head!" Mark screams like a Full Metal Jacket drill sergeant. "Do us all a favor and die young, before you get a chance to poison future generations with your seed. Either that or go gay for Eliwood, just don't ever reproduce. You're a turd floating in the human gene pool and if you ever make a kid so help me god, I will murder the little fucker before its old enough to speak the cursed word's 'Leeroy Jenkins.'"

Mark bitches Hector out and the cluster fuck of a battle continues. At this point all the ferals are spazzing out and everyone's blowing chunks because thanks to Gheb, the entire battlefield smells like rancid ass. Vaida has challenged Gheb to a dick-duel and the two appear to be evenly matched. Florina is now officially traumatized, and little Nino is so far gone it's not even funny. Nino's done. She's just curled up in a ball crying and dry-heaving at this point. Then she sees Karel skull fucking one of those bonewalkers from FE8, and she's back to blowing chunks with the rest of Mark's stooges. Nino is seeing many things today that will scar her for life.

The battle goes on for close to three hours. Most of the fighting was finished in half that time, but the epic bout between Gheb the Boner King and Vaida, the wyvern riding tranny with an enormous dick took much longer then anyone expected. No one had the balls to break it up, and really, who can blame them. You see a fat man and a dominatrix looking butch of questionable gender identity swinging Ron Jeremy sized cocks at each other, are you gonna get in their way? Of course not, you're gonna stay as far away from those fuckers as humanly possible. You may watch from a safe distance just out of curiosity, like these dumb shit-heads, but the closest you're gonna get is still gonna be just out of range of a stray money shot.

And while everyone was just standing around with their thumb up their ass watching Gheb and Vaida go at it, Nergal checked in and kidnapped Ninian. No one noticed she was gone for like 15 minutes. Except Nils, but who listens to that little fucker anyways?

"Mark! Nergal was just here and now Ninian's…"

"Damn it Nils, shut the fuck up. The fat man's got Vaida in a choke hold and he's about to….OHHHHH, SHIT SON! DID YOU SEE THAT, RIGHT IN THE POOP-CHUTE!"

"…I hate life…"

* * *

**Later that day…**

"Ninian's missing…again!" Mark announced. "Where does this bitch keep running off to? Is she moonlighting as a stripper or something?"

"What the fuck, I already told you people like eight times! Nergal took her while you were all acting like a bunch of queers, watching a pair of freaks play with their dicks like it was the greatest fucking thing you've ever seen in your entire life."

"Damn it, Damn it, Damn it! How did we lose her _again_?" Mark was freaking out "Eliwood is going too be so pissed."

"Eh, I don't think he'll care too much," said Hector. "From what Eliwood told me, it sounds like they've been having problems. Did you know she tried to rape him with an icicle…"

"Hector, shut up. Please, just shut the fuck up. After the shit you pulled today, if I here another word out of your mouth between now and the time we get back to camp I will order Legault to sneak into your tent while you are sleeping and do evil, unsanitary things to all your possessions. Am I clear?"

"Yes sir…" Hector grumbled.

Hector was silent the rest of the trip. Mark commanded Legault to fuck up his tent anyway, because Hector is a dumb ass and Mark is a dick.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Here's the difference between a good friend and your best friend. After a night of crazy partying, a good friend will be there to bail you out of jail. After a night of crazy partying, your best friend will be sitting in the cell next to you saying "dude that was fucking AWESOME!" **_**(Life Truisms)**

**So continues the tale of how Eliwood spent his day off while the rest of his army took it up the ass at the Shrine of Seals…**

**Boy Talk With Eliwood and Hector**

**(Part 6)**

"Dude (coughing fit). Dude, look at this!" Wil shakes Geitz out of his drug induced stupor and points excitedly to…absolutely nothing. There is nothing in the direction he is pointing except an ordinary tent flap and some questionable brownish stains. "There's a magic rainbow inside the tent!"

"Aww…awww yeah man, I see it! I see it!"Geitz coughs violently and belches up a huge glob of phlegm and smoke. "All those colors man, it's like, totally righteous. It's like, this is us, but it's not us. We're totally connecting back to the world man…"

"I know, I know!" Wil claps and starts laughing uncontrollably at something that really isn't all that funny. "It's, like they're here…cause we're here. And we're here so we can see them…"

"…and we can see them 'cause we're here!"

"Oh! Oh, wow. Dude, check this out! The pink and yellow blob just turned into this hawt neked chick with huge rockin' tits! Oh god. Oh sweet merciful god in heaven, look at that smoking hawt rack! You seeing this man!?" Wil is now sweating profusely and going red in the face.

"Naw man, I don't see her. I think she just wants you."

"Oh god, here she comes. She's going down on me. OH GOD!" With that Wil creams his pants, vomits, and passes out in a pool of his own mess."

Eliwood sighed and turns to Matthew "You laced his hit, didn't you?"

"I may have laced his hit," Matthew chuckled and blew out a smoke ring. "I may have also laced my hit, your hit, Dart's hit, and Geitz's hit. You ladies feelin' it yet?"

"Damn it Matthew, he's a first timer!" Eliwood shouted. "You wanna pull that shit, pull it with me and Hector. Don't fuck around with first timers! That's just a dick move on your part."

"Eh, I thought it was funny," Dart manages to string a sentence together while chugging down his fifth bottle of rum. Somehow, the pirate finds it's just not the same without those waves crashing in the background; the rocking motion of the brine trying to make him spill his guts up. This whole scene is just too easy-going for his liking. "So…while he's passed out, are we gonna dick-face him?"

"WHAT!?" Eliwood nearly topples over "Hellz no, you're not doing of that gay shit in my tent. You wanna whip it out on Wil butt-pirate, you get the fuck out of my space.

Oh, for the love of…dick-facing is when you whip out an ink-well and scribble a picture of a cock and balls on someone's face while they're passed out," Dart went off on Eliwood. "Then when they wake up they walk around talking to people like it's a normal day and everyone just points and laughs, cause dude, there's a dick on their face."

"Oh," Eliwood blinked "No gay sex then?"

"No gay sex," Matthew grinned. "Although for future reference I'll be holding it against you that the first place your mind wandered when you heard the phrase "dick-facing" was rough, sweaty, man-on-man loving."

"…I never said that…"

"…in fact," the thief's grin grew even wider, "I'd say you owe me 50 gold to never bring this conversation up to anyone ever again. Otherwise I may just have to tell my lord Hector that his best friend loves cock."

"You're a dick!" Eliwood yelled.

"You see, there you go again! It's the first place your mind goes," Matthew teased "Just come on out of the closet and say it, 'my name is Eliwood of House Pherae, and I love cock.'"

"Heh heh heh (cough cough), that was actually a pretty good impression of Eliwood," Gietz laughed. Dart concurred, and even Eliwood who was totally pissed off at the thief for mocking him and punking the newbie had to admit, it was a damn good voice-impression."

"Who else can you do Matthew? Eliwood asked."

"Your mom!" Matthew shot back with perfect timing. He didn't miss a beat. "You're red hot, second-only-to-Louise, smoking hot MILF of a mom!"

"Oh, come on man, don't be disrespecting my mom. You know you can't be talking trash about my momma in this tent."

"No thrash, no smack, I ain't disrespected no one." said Matthew. "I'm just saying, with all do respect to you and your's noble sir, that Lady Elenora is one fine piece of ass, and I'd ride her hard and dirty like a cheap mule"

"That's my mom you're talking about you dildo sucking rim-job! You're lucky you're my dealer, 'cause if you weren't I'd cut your dick off and shove it up your ass, then say something clever like 'go fuck yourself.'"

"Heh heh heh (cough cough), its funny cause you're telling him to go fuck himself, but he already has his dick up his ass," Geitz finds this taunt most amusing. "Cause you put it there (cough). I get it, that's a good one Eliwood. That's good, that's good (cough)…"

"I get that a lot actually. Death threats from my clients," Matthew stretched and yawned. He was feeling it now, the extra kick from the laced hit. Oh man, was he was feeling it. He was blazing. "Uggrrhhh, what were we talking about before I remembered Eliwood had a hot mom?"

"Voice impressions," said Dart, who was now bent over a passed out Wil with a quill and an ink-well. He was drawing a big, triumphant, veiny bastard right on the archer's forehead. "You're good at them, and they're funny. You should show us a few of them."

"No good man, I can't do voice acting while I'm wasted."

"Bullshit, you just did Eliwood five seconds ago!"

"Eliwood's easy. Just tuck your balls back into you gooch and pretend like you haven't hit puberty yet. That barely even qualifies as voice acting."

That got a good laugh out of Dart and Geitz.

"You talk to much Matthew. If I didn't know any better I'd say you're trying to compensate for something else, something which the lady folk may find lacking." Eliwood smirked and pointed at Matthew's pants. "What you got in there lightweight? You ever pleased a woman with that tiny little pube sprout you call a dick? You ever had a bitch grinding on top of you while you just pound her tender, make her writhe and scream all night long, make her shout your name faster and faster and faster until she just spasms and explodes her juices all over your lap? No? Then SHUT THE FUCK UP Matthew, 'cause you see this right here," Eliwood frames himself with his fingers. "I'm the fucking man you little ass-licker, I'm the PIMP in shining armor. I make the money, I get the honey. I'm the fucking man, and you're just a lonely little thief who sits in his tent at night and faps to fleeting thoughts of older, married women. Take a hit off of that douche-nugget! You're not even worth the royal toilet paper I use to wipe my ass!

"Oh, SNAP!" Geitz zings Matthew. "That's a burn man. That's a fucking BURN! You just got burned by Pansywood!"

"I…I did, didn't I? Holy shit, I just got bitched out by Pansywood. I never thought I'd see the day…" Matthew beamed with pride. A tear of joy came to his eye. "That's what I'm fucking talking about, HOORAH! That's your inner bad-ass Eliwood. That's your energy, your center." (OH NOES! Matthew's getting all philosophical and shit, this can't be good). "You hold onto that now, you hear me?" Matthew was serious now. "You hold on to that inner bad-ass, and you don't be afraid to whip it out in public like Hector."

Eliwood listened to Matthew's words and didn't say anything. But for the first time, he seriously considered it. He had to admit, being a bad-ass was starting to grow on him. Being bad never felt so good.

**Huh…that didn't take nearly as long as the other chapters, I just through it together in one night. Either I'm getting faster or my chapters are getting shittier. I hope it's not the latter. **


	7. Chapter 7

* * *

"**If there's one thing I know, it's everything."**

–**Rayne Summers, Least I Could Do-**

* * *

**Boy Talk With Eliwood and Hector**

**(Part 7)**

"…Wooooowwwwwwwwwww…this is just silly…"

"…I'm…so-fuggin-baked.…it's actually ridiculous…"

"How much did we fucking smoke today?"

"Not that much actually. This is just really good weed. Props to Matthew; he wasn't fucking around."

It's late in the afternoon back at camp. Eliwood is now slumped against the headboard of his lordly bed—eyes glazed over, head tilted back—reveling in the magical sensations of ordinary, mundane things. In one hand he holds a plucked blade of grass, which he rubs between his fingers until it becomes green paste. He enjoys this immensely for reasons he can not explain. In his other hand he holds a big fat fatty of a blunt—freshly rolled—primed and ready to fuck someone's day up with three and a half grams of dank, skunky, Arcadian Koosh. No one in the tent has the balls to light this monster. Matthew is content reclining on a disgustingly cute plush cushion that use to belong to Serra (It's his now. He stole it.). The noob Wil—previously passed out dick-faced on Eliwood's couch—has been carried back to his own tent and laid to rest, leaving said couch open for Geitz and Dart to chill and banter. The tent-room scene has since mellowed out considerably.

"No, seriously dude. How much did we smoke today?" Matthew repeats the question. "I actually want to know how much bud I have left."

"Bag's kicked," Eliwood reported, shaking Matthew's satchel of stolen drugs upside down to prove the point. "Used the last three nuggs' to roll the fatty. This right here man," Eliwood baton-twirled his massive blunt with great showmanship. "This is what we're working with."

"Oh my god…that thing is enourmous…"

"We still have so much weed…incredible…"

"You're not smoking that now are you?" Matthew asked skeptically.

"Naw man, I'm feeling pretty good right now," Eliwood stretched his arms and yawned a lazy stoner's yawn. "Let's save this one for when Hector gets back. You know the big lug's gonna need a hit to get his mellow going after a day out in the field."

"That works," Matthew nodded. "Mark should be marching 'im back into camp within the hour."

"…Assuming everything went according to plan."

"This is Mark we're talking about. Everything that kid does go according to plan."

"Pffttt…not even close," Matthew scoffed. "I can sniff out bullshit a mile away. It's practically my profession, and let me tell you, Mark's as full of it as they come.

"How so?""

"Like, all the time, he takes credit for shit that just has absolutely nothing to do with him. Whatever happens, however fucked up and out of hand our battles get, he'll just say it's all part of some brilliant plan he devised ahead of time. Even when he has no idea what the fuck is going on, and I think that's bullshit."

"Huh…I never even noticed."

"Really?" Matthew was honestly amazed no one else had picked up on it yet. "Where the fuck have you been?"

* * *

"You know Hector, I really shouldn't be mad at you," Mark reflected "I knew you were going to bolt and I put you on the frontline anyway, to confuse the enemy. It was all part of my brilliant, brilliant strategy."

"Uh-uh, no way. No fucking way you're taking credit for this one."

"Come on, we just beat the leader of the Four Fangs and punched through to the Shrine of Seals without a single causality. Admit it Hector. That was some damn fine planning on my part."

"You didn't PLAN any of that." Hector shouted. "Shit son, you wanted to TANK him like a god damn raid boss!"

"Did I really? Or is that just what I wanted you to think while I executed my master stroke?"

"Your 'master stroke'…what the…is anyone else listening to this!?" Hector bellowed loud enough to get the entire column's attention. "Does ANYONE else hear the complete and utter nonsense coming out of this kid's mouth!?"

"We hear him." Kent rode by the bickering duo with Lyn draped around him, tagging along for a free ride on his mount. "We just don't really care anymore."

"We've been listening to the same retarded shit since we left Sacae," Lyn elaborated. "You can't argue with him when he gets like this. He's just going to talk out of his ass and go on and on about how he predicts and prepares for everything. Watch."

"What indignity is this; you doubt my instincts?" Mark huffed. "Did I not just predict—correctly I might add—that the Great Gheb would show up at the Shrine of Seals and level the field with his boner powers? Did I not provoke his attack with Hector's display of hypermasculinity, bringing the wrath of the Boner King upon our enemies while marking our team as off limits with a phallic signal from Vaida? Tell me that wasn't fucking brilliant!"

"Okay…ONE: you had no godly idea anyone other than the Black Fang was going to be at that position. "That fat guy just showed up out of nowhere and started blowing shit up with his dick. You didn't KNOW that was going to happen. You were scratching your head screaming 'WTF!?' with everyone else. Bullshit that was your planning!"

"I feigned surprise, just like I did when Nergal summoned the dragon. I predicted that too, remember?"

"Yeah," Lyn snickered. "I remember. You predicted it AFTER it happened. That doesn't count."

"TWO: you never ordered me to provoke an attack. And you bitched me the fuck out when I actually did provoke an attack; everyone in this army heard you. So whatever I did, I clearly did it in violation of your orders and you clearly didn't plan for it to happen."

"The attack order was never given, because I knew you were going to attack anyway. My genius is such that I was able to predict your behavior. As for my reaction, it was a necessary façade employed so as not to undermine the chain-of-command."

"Sir, you have to admit, that does seem pretty farfetched." Kent being the well-mannered knight has to be polite even when he's insulting someone. I haven't heard a story that dubious since Sain claimed success using 'So, do you take it up the ass?' as a pick-up line."

"Oh come on, you too Kent? What is this; Lets-All-Shit-On-Mark-Day?"

"THREE: If you really have gotten to the point where your 'master plan' calls for one of your soldiers to be repeatedly smacked in the face with an oversized stunt-cock while the rest of us watch, there is something so fucking wrong with you and that brilliant mind of yours that I don't see how it could possibly be fit for duty, and you seriously need to get the fuck out of the war-gaming business until you get your shit together. Seriously man, that is fucked up!"

"I…don't really have a good explanation for that one," Mark admitted "But I'm still right. About everything. I planned that attack down to the very last detail, and everything that happened on that battlefield was the result of my genius. You here that!?" Mark shouted defiantly to no one in particular. "Everything! I know all! Nothing happened that wasn't part of my perfect plan!"

"Really now…" the stealthy figure that had been shadowing Mark for the past 10 minutes spoke for the first time all day. "You planned that entire thing? Including the part where Nino had to cry herself to sleep after watching the maniac with the sword fetish rape a dead man's skull?"

"Ohh Shit! Hey Jaffar…"

"Answer the question scum-bag. Was that or was that not your idea?"

"Oh no, No-no-no-no-no! That was not part of the game-plan at all."

"Everything that happens is part of your game-plan. You just got finished saying that 2 seconds ago. "

"Yeaaaahhhhh…about that," Mark gulped. "Wow…this is awkward."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"My bad?" Mark offered meekly.

"Not gonna fly," Jaffar drew his daggers. "You're a dead man."

"Ummm…Lyn? There's a dangerous man pointing some wicked looking knives at my throat. You maybe wanna…I don't know…do something about it?" Mark ordered with a burlesque blend of alarm and sarcasm.

"You did say you planned every last detail," Lyn smirked. "Those were your exact words, right Mark?"

"Well now maybe I exaggerated just _a little_. I mean I can't know _everything_ that's going on. Sometimes a few minor details slip through the cracks, right?" Mark laughed nervously.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Right?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Hmph…" Jaffar sheathed his weapons, but continued to stare daggers at the tactician. "Don't let it happen again."

One smoke-bomb later, the assassin was gone.

"Woowww…" Hector marveled once the assassin was gone. "You REALLY are a pussy. Skinny bastard pulls a knife on you and you fold like a paper towel. Try that shit on me and watch what happens. Son-of-a-bitch points a knife at me; I'll punch him the fuck out and stomp his ass.

"Can it numb-nuts," the aforementioned pussy grumbled. "Jaffar's a fucking pro. You can't touch him and you know it. As for YOU," Mark glared angrily at Lyn, "What the fuck was that about you useless cunt?"

"Excuse me!?"

"Bitch, you heard me!" Mark scolded. "An assassin threatens me at knife point and you sit there smirking? What the fuck!? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY GOD-DAMN BODYGUARD!"

"Guard yourself, you're so fucking brilliant," Lyn answered with insulting sarcasm. "How about next time you just straight up tell the truth. You know, don't make up stupid shit; avoid these awkward situations altogether."

"I was telling the truth!" Mark protested. "I planned everything!"

"And no we're back to this shit again," Hector rolled his eyes. "You know what Lyn, I think Jaffar actually had the right idea. Make like you're gonna cut him whenever he starts in with his nonsense; see if that doesn't get his ass back in line."

"You two clowns don't get to put me in line, Mark scoffed. "I'll remind you, I'm your superior officer."

"And I'll remind YOU, I pay your salary," Hector barked. "Now shut the fuck up and get us back to camp already. I need to buy some drugs."


End file.
